Tales_Kaletta

I spent the next 5 years in horse-less misery and regret...I thought of Sonny often, and anytime I saw a Palomino, I'd have to drive back by, hoping it would be him, but it never was...I never found him...

By 1988, I was completely miserable...I had 'issues' with myself and my life, as I had always had, but “issues” which now were even more dark and grim...I'll just leave that at that...A few miles from home, on a road I frequently traveled, I had noticed a horse farm sign...had been pondering on that for months...I needed to be around horses again, that much I knew...I mustered up the courage to go down that driveway one day, and asked if they needed any help...shot down in flames...no, they did not need any help, as they had just hired someone...I persisted...could I just come out and help anyhow?...Well, luckily for me, they were not fool enough to turn down free help! That was February...October rolled around and off I went with them to Nationals to groom! It was there in Kentucky that the next chapter in my horse-life unfolded...

Our traveling companion and friend, Marge, was staying with her friend who was a manager at Paramont Arabian Stud, so we were back and forth taking her there or picking her up...They were holding a sale coinciding with Nationals, so we made an appointment just to go for a “look-see”...Bear in mind, this whole Arabian experience was still "new" to me, and I was in awe of all the beautiful horses and lavish facilities...They toured us through, and showed us the high end Auction/sales horses, then eventually we made it to the "Silent Sale Barn"...As we entered, a few stalls to my right, I spied a 2 year old filly by Bak that I liked...they pulled her out to show us, and we proceeded forth...next one that caught my eye was a yearling colt by Stargard---ooh, I really liked him! They brought him out; we looked over and loved on him, and back in the stall he went.... We approached the end of the aisle, and I was getting a bit sad...we were almost at the end and would have to leave soon...They brought out a huge bay mare, and my heart stood still...It was Kaletta, and from the moment I laid eyes on her, I knew in my heart and soul that she was "the one". .

I called home that night, and told Mama all the exciting things we'd done, and about each of those three I liked, and told her how I just HAD to have Kaletta, just HAD to...Mama, never one to mince words, reminded me that "you don't have any money; you can't afford a horse; if you bring a horse home you can just go live with that Mary (the trainer I 'worked' for)". All that night in our hotel room, I cried...I knew that I MUST have Kaletta, but Mama was right in everything she preached to me over the phone...I cried, and I prayed...and cried still more…my life could never be “complete” without her in it...

The next morning, we returned to the farm. Another traveling companion from our barn had found a filly she wanted, and there was another mare we had seen that was perfect for my cousin’s daughter...We went out to ride the mare we had in mind for my cousin, and Mary also went ahead and had Kaletta pulled out for me to ride...It was bittersweet…there I was, riding the mare I so needed, wanted; who I loved from “hello"..and who I saw no way possible to make my own…Destiny, however, intervened, and Mary was able to work up a package deal, purchasing the filly, the mare for my cousin, and added Kaletta in for me! I would just pay her back what I could, when I could, as I could...My prayers were indeed answered.

As we only had room to haul one horse back home with us, my Kaletta and the mare, Juan Ella, for my cousin, went to South Carolina with Jim Fisher. We would go down within the following 2 weeks to retrieve them...I arrived home from Kentucky before Mama had gotten home from work...I had not uttered a word about what I had "gone and done"...I did not care though...I had done what I HAD to do! Mama got home, and I casually went out to my car, and brought in all these shopping bags..."Oh boy! What'd you buy me?"...I said nothing, just put the bags on the couch and went on about doing other things...Curiosity killed the cat, as they say, and Mama was no different from the cat...She jumped up to go through the bags...The bags were filled with all things equine that I had purchased (courtesy of the evil credit card) for my new mare! There was Mama, standing there, pulling out brushes, wraps, miscellaneous horse items...it was not quite connecting with her yet...then a bridle, bit, and reins.... she finally got this weird look on her face...the next item she removed, the horse blanket, was just too much..."Tabby? Why in the hell are you buying all this horse stuff, you don't even have a hor..."...She trailed off the end of it as the reality of what I had "gone and done" slapped her in the face...She grew pale, faint and weak...she had to lay down on the couch, sickened, and she CRIED...Cried, fussed at me, cried some more...reminded me of how was I ever going to pay for her and support her...mainly she fussed at me...I wound up crying myself...I then in tears reminded her of all my "issues" and that I needed this, I had done what I needed, HAD to do, to be happy at last...That was enough to cease the fussing, and eventually she accepted the fact that I had indeed stuck my neck out to buy a horse that she worried about my being able to afford...

Once Mary and I made the trip to pick up Kaletta and Juan Ella from Jim's and returned home, Mama's "soft spot" in her heart was easily pierced by Kaletta...She saw how happy I was, saw the love, saw the smile once again that was so rarely ever present on my face...

Kaletta had come into my life at a time when I most needed someone, something to give my life direction and meaning…I had been but an empty shell of a human being, wandering through life alone and empty, with no purpose, no passion…I was simply and merely “existing”, just going through the motions of life…It is in times such as these that I believe we find our “light”, our ‘destiny’…Out of the darkness that had for so long enveloped me, I had found the strength and courage within me to overcome my shyness and self-doubt, my lack of self-worth…courage to face the World and to seek out what I needed. The day that I walked into Mary’s barn, my life was forever changed…

I thrived…I was filled once again with happiness and joy that only manifested itself in my life when I was in the company and presence of horses. Around them, I was not the same person…gone was the self-doubt, the loneliness, the uncertainties of my life. To have just been there working in that barn, being surrounded by horses, may well have been enough, but it was merely the beginning of the realization of my true destiny…it was a stepping stone which had led me to my sweet Kaletta, who fulfilled me, completed me…saved me… She brought love and light, meaning and purpose, and inspiration into my life.

The story goes on...In the early summer of 1989, my cousin had moved their mare to another barn. I had left Mary's barn later that summer as well, and had my "Kallie" at home with me...I went to see Juan Ella at her new barn. It was there that I met *Nikklaus...Even stronger than had it had been when I found my Kaletta, the connection was instantaneous...This was truly my "soul mate"! He wasn't for sale, and even if he had been it would have been tens of thousands of dollars...I very likely would have "sold my soul" to own him, but there was really no need for that...I knew in an instant that his heart was mine...I booked Kaletta to him for the following year. While Kaletta was there, I started "working", since I was there for so many hours every day anyhow...those were good days, full of wonderful and cherished memories.

It was not, however, an easy time with the breeding...Kaletta persisted with silent heats, which threw us all for a loop, and involved much 'micro-managed' Veterinary assistance...Finally, a boarder's gelding, a savvy, smooth talking fellow from his years as a stud who was pasture bred, sweet talked to Kaletta just right, and she showed heat! She conceived in early May, and I took her home. Unfortunately, at her 45 day check, she had slipped the foal...Back to the farm, and after months of disappointments and some problems that "suddenly" were discovered by the farm's Vet, who had been examining her at least twice through each cycle, ever since February...I was upset at the findings, and even more so at the advice to "just take her home; we'll culture her before Spring and find out what's going on then"...It was late August then...I did not care...I had my own Vet come out to the farm and the look on his face and what he DIDN'T say were enough to let me know his disappointment in his colleague...He worked diligently and got Kaletta straightened out, and in late September, she was again in foal...

Fortune had smiled on me once again, by letting me be able to get Kaletta bred and settled at that time...for the following Spring would bring tragedy; *Nikklaus would become extremely ill, and be gone from my life... *Nikklaus' story deserves to be one of its own, so I will not delve into the mysteries and wonders I experienced in and through his death...I will simply here state that fate was at least kind in that Kaletta had gotten safely settled in foal, as had we waited, my Nikk, the son of Kaletta and *Nikklaus, would never have been...

Kaletta presented to me on August 19, 1991 the treasure of my life, her son, BA Nikk Oftime---a most beautiful and glorious black colt, the perfect combination and the very embodiment of both his sire and his dam.

Fast forward...'Nikk' was a yearling, and he was going to be shown! My pride and joy, the product of the two true loves of my life, Kaletta and *Nikklaus...I had moved him to my friend Stephanie's barn a few weeks before the show, as she had a "real barn", with lights and electricity, and hot running water, plus a ring to work him in...Facilities much more appropriate for my "prince"...I had nightmares during the couple of hours I actually managed to sleep the night before the show. It was the NC State Fair Arabian Show, and our club Futurity classes were being held as well...I dreamt that he was beaten by the most hideous looking horses! Typical motherly fears I suppose...Mama had been worried that he would be so much smaller than the rest of his age class, but he looked great, and did not look out of place despite the 6 or more months age difference many of the others had on him...I, however, was a mess...my horse was spiffed and shined and clean as a whistle...I was filthy and a shameful sight as only a groom can be...

All the hopes and dreams…I was filled with love and pride, and fear as well… The class results were announced…he won! Back into the ring for his Futurity class...HE WON AGAIN!!! Next came the Junior Championship...and again, HE WON!!! A CLEAN SWEEP! My little "back-yard bred"! What a thrill, what absolute joy! Following in his Daddy's show-ring hoof-prints! Making his dam and his "human Mama" proud! A living tribute to and for us all---Kaletta, *Nikklaus, and myself…

The thrill did not last for long afterwards...Within a few days of his victories, and before I had even brought him back home from my friend's barn, tragedy struck...Kaletta coliced, it was bad, and I never saw it coming...she was never "off", never showed any sign that would have warned me what was going on inside of her...

Thoughts, which I was ashamed to be thinking, raced through my mind… “She’s going to die…she can’t die…there’s not any other stallion for her---*Nikklaus is gone, there’s not another one for her…she’s going to die…she can’t…she already gave you the best of her…she did what she was supposed to…she gave you Nikk…she’s going to die…” These same thoughts played over and over, endlessly through my mind, and in between all I could think was 'how terrible to have such thoughts'…But, I knew immediately, that she would indeed die…just “knew”…I was in ‘hysterics’, but it was not hysteria driving that thought, it was purely and simply just the truth of the matter…

After several endless hours of treating her at home and all to no avail, my Vet said we had to take her in to the clinic...I called my friend Joann, to ask her to please haul us in. Thank God for good friends...Even during the four years I would later in my life work at the Vet School, never would I see a horse as bad off as Kaletta was...There was no hope, and surgery was not an option...it was simply too late...She went down in the stocks while tests were being run...She was euthanized where she fell, in all her agony, there in the stocks...I was just numb...

There was no feeling…just shock and numbness…and those same thoughts played on through my mind, much quieter now, but still palpable underneath the numbness…My friend took me home, and I sat in the darkness, waiting to awaken from this horrible nightmare…trying to deny every thing that had happened, but knowing it was true… “It was just dream, that’s all, I’ll close my eyes, and when I wake up, that will be all that it was…just a terrible nightmare…” But I knew that it was all true, and found myself thinking other horrid thoughts… “Why did it have to be HER? Why couldn’t it have been one of the others?” and I HATED myself for thinking that… The thoughts, the denial, played on through my mind…and a song…

I would have died for her…I would have given it all…I would have sacrificed…I would have fought…yes, I would indeed have died for her if I could have…She meant that much to me…but I could do nothing…I could not take her place; I could do nothing to save or spare her…she was gone…and I was left behind…from that moment on, everything I would do, would be for Kaletta…this is her song…a tribute to my beloved mare…everything that I would ever do, would be for her…it is my tribute to her memory that all I have or may ever accomplish in or through my breeding program, it is all for her….

I finally slept, only to awaken to the slap in the face of the reality that it all really did happen. Still numbed and shocked, I didn’t want to move, did not want to do anything…just wanted to sit there as a stone, to deny it all. Moving about would only wake reality fully…There was no denying…this was real…I had to go on, had to get up and face this new and unpleasant reality. I had Nikk, and Dukha, and Khaysie, and I had to go on…

I got up and went through the motions of my chores, still numb, trying to bury the thoughts or secret wishes that it had been one of the other mares instead…I refused to let myself acknowledge or speak those words, but they kept drawing up, bitter as bile, no matter how I forced them down, buried them deep inside…they fought to surface, wanting to be heard…I fought to keep them at bay; what kind of person would I be to actually utter those words? I was consumed by grief and guilt, and I could not wish what had happened on one of the others…they did not deserve it; neither had Kaletta…some things are best left unsaid…I drew strength from somewhere deep inside to carry on, and fought to keep those words buried…but they gnawed at me; even through the numbness, I felt their bite and sting…but I refused to say them in spite of how they pained me…

The other horses were quiet, and all seemed fairly normal in spite of the tragedy that had transpired the night before…in a fugue-like state, I did my morning chores…it was Khaysie who snapped me back into reality. As I tried to open the stall gate to give her the morning’s grain, she reached over and bit my nose! That was all it took for those burning words to rush through my lips---“Why the hell couldn’t it have been you!” And then the tears gushed, the dam had been broken…but with the release of those horrible words, and the tears, the numbness began to be washed away…I said them again, and cried, and apologized, and begged forgiveness…and the numbness subsided…I would survive, could survive…I would and could carry on…I had to…they needed me…but more importantly, I needed them…if not for them, there would be no reason for me to go on…and I thanked God that I did have them…without them, I would not have gone on, would not have fulfilled the legacy I promised to Kaletta, that “Everything I Do” would be for her…

Kaletta had come into my life in my darkest hour. She had brought new meaning and direction to my life, and gave so much love and joy to me and to my entire family as well. She was taken from me much too soon---a mere four years, to the date on which she had entered my life---but she left with me her greatest gift---her son BA Nikk Oftime...

Kaletta is still with me in my heart and soul, and I know that she is watching over me. I have seen and felt her presence a few times since she has been gone, and she is still who I go to when life feels as if it's too much...Kaletta is still and will remain a driving force in my life, and I dedicate my breeding program to her...